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As a woman in my late thirties, I’ve long felt that courtesy is essential, which includes apologizing when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a fulfilling life, I’ve faced very low self-confidence. This mix of wanting to respect others and second-guessing my actions has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m unconscious of it. It stems from anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It annoys my loved ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they bring it up—which only worsens my anxiety.

Speaking in Public and Inquiring

This over-apologizing is especially problematic when it comes to public speaking or posing queries in front of people. I try to write everything down to stay on track and avoid going off-topic, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to tackle this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at open forums, despite experiencing embarrassments from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this only works at first before I return to old habits.

Self-Acceptance

I doubt I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve accepted with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the frequent sorrys. I’ve learned that professional help might support me, but I wonder how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too much, and you place a strain on others.

Understanding the Roots

A therapist might explore where this urge comes from. Questions like, “How young were you when this started?” or “Was it self-inspired or learned from someone close to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once served us well become unhelpful in later years.

In fact, some of your current behaviors could be seen as holding yourself back. You realize it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

How Therapy Can Help

When asked what professional guidance could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than acting. Much of effective counseling is about understanding yourself, not just addressing problems. A experienced counselor will supportively question you, offering a secure environment to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a relational approach with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you return to yourself and examine how you treat, dismiss, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in noticing self-criticism, breaking it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-esteem can improve from there.

Useful Strategies

Changing deep-seated habits is difficult, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a automatic response. But you can start by thinking on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to not apologize. Often, it’s an effort to avoid embarrassment or vulnerability, by admitting perceived mistakes before others do. This can create a vicious circle of frustration and nervousness.

Even thinking things through can be helpful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a alternative statement instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame.

This approach will take patience, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.