Navigating my Yearning for Spontaneous Intimacy Whilst Pursuing a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man approaching 50, I’ve spent many, mostly pleasurable years engaging in spontaneous encounters with other men since the age of 19. During my fourth decade, I had a committed partnership that lasted a significant period, but it never fully satisfied me, because I didn't experience love nor intimately fulfilled. The fact is that I have always craved casual sex. Every time I start seeing any man, once the newness fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Feasibility of Exclusive Commitment
I am now wondering if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I understand that many gay men have non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, frequently resulting in lots of heartache and envy among all parties. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to pursue other intimacies, however I fear the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having casual sex and accept that a long-term relationship is not possible? I feel somewhat confused.
Each individual's intimate path fluctuates. Avoid considering of your relationship needs or your capacity to handle different types of intimate connections as fixed. Your needs as you are experiencing them now may well change down the road; at a certain time you might become less ambivalent and find some clarity and a comfortable path … or not. At some point you might meet a person who provides a transformative opportunity for you by reflecting your desires in a holistic fashion … and at another point you may choose that casual connections suit you best. Worrying about what lies ahead and engaging in the “What if?” game is simply rooted in fear and squandering of your energy. Try to be present with your partners, and see the value of each person with whom you might have an intimate bond. If and when you are ever ready to strengthen true intimacy with one partner, it will be clear.
- Pamela Stephenson Connolly is a American psychotherapist focusing on treating sexual disorders.
